I'm sitting a top of the RUE in the city I love thinking of the past 5 months with an iced coffee. It's a 90 degree muggy June day in New Orleans and 7 months since we last visited. The last time we were here we had Evangeline with us although no one knew it. We saw our good friends and we're not comfortable telling the world about Evangeline yet. We didn't even call her a baby or a real name. Her name was Devonta then and we had such different plans for our baby.
I should be sitting here right now with a little 5month old daughter wearing the onesie I bought you on our last visit. It was a onesie with a street car and the only real gift I let myself buy Evangeline. There was other things like a car seat or nuna crib on black Friday but nothing that I felt that I wanted my baby to have such like a onside from New Orleans.
I tried numerous other times to buy more but never pulled the trigger. I put wvu, super hero, saints, and wrestling onsies in carts online on a weekly basis at work for those last couple months anticipating our babies arrival. Now I think about it all. I don't know how I got to this point. I don't know how Caitlin got to this point. 5 months since Evangeline died.
I walked to to RUE today from our Green street home and just gazed at the houses and the life of this city. As I caught myself dreaming of a big house on south Carrollton full of kids a woman pulled up to the stop sign next to me with some reggae-ish music blarring. Then she looked at me and smiled and turned it up louder and began dancing in her drivers seat. I looked away because I am used to people in D.C. not caring about the world around them and being so self occupied. Then I realized I wasn't in Northern Virginia. As I looked back she pointed at me as if knew I waneed to join her but she didn't she was just enjoying some WWOZ on a Friday! I broke a smile and realized life is happier in this city.
After crossing street and got in RUE I almost began to cry thinking of the past 5 months of anger, sadness, depression, and grief. Again wondering how did we make it this far. 5 Months! Almost half a year.
Thinking about what I couldn't do 3 months ago I feel horrible as a 31 year old man. What would life have been like if we never left New Orleans and Tulane? Would I be there still? Maybe. Would we have our own rental place, yes. Should I have taken that damn job as merchandise man at saints. Yes! Then no ticketmaster, not northern Virginia, no remote wedding, no bullshit traffic, no learning software, none of it. Would we still have 4 pregnancies end in a loss ? ? I don't know. Maybe so, but I don't believe in hope or fate any more because all of that has been shattered for me over past 3 years.
What I do know is that we just bought a house in Fairlington for $500,000. This seems so Ludacris but we did it. I know we are now tied to this area for at least 2 years. We have two more frozen embryos in Arlington and need them to work. Damnit there I go hoping again...nothing has really worked why would these two? Why plan our life around hope? I can't stop thinking about 5 months ago today I was dumb and weak and let this tragedy happen to Evangeline that night. Why the fuck did I act like it was a false alarm. Why the hell did I read that stupid rush course pregnancy manual again again and not go to the hospital sooner. I don't care what doctors say but in my mind if we were there sooner there would be a better chance to save her life.
I can't quite tell how Caitlin is feeling these days. I know she is thinking same about 5months ago but I also know she needs a baby. I need to get back to me 1 year ago. Strong, decisive, confident and make this happen. I have my own time to grieve for everyday for the rest of my life. But to support Caitlin I need to be the man that I know I can be for her. If that is with pregnancy again or with adoption or with life. We need to be here in New Orleans again one day and that needs to be in our plan.
5 months.
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