Happy Anniversary

Happy 3rd anniversary my love. It means so much more than this but all I can think of now is that it has been three years of trying to have a family. The last time that I had a truly fantastic day full of joy and light was our wedding day. 3 years and 4 losses. The dreams of my 4 babies. The first three were terrible enough; though they were all first trimester, the trauma was so very real. And then there is my Evangeline... Seeing you as a Daddy was one of the best things I have ever seen. I hope desperately that I will see you as a Daddy to a living baby. The way you held our daughter, so gently and with such confidence... pure instinct. I know you were so nervous that you wouldn't know what to do, but you were flawless. I only wish you had been able to hold her longer. I held her and knew that joy for her entire life, and I am so very grateful that you were able to know that joy too. I only wish we had more time with her. I can't imagine traversing this path with anyone else. I hate that I have to be on it anyways, but am so very thankful to have you by my side. I imagine that not every couple is able to survive this much pain... lucky us, huh? You are my best friend, my rock, and the Daddy to my babies. They are so very lucky to have you. I am too.

One Month - Living For Evangeline

These days it feels much more like living without Evangeline than it does living for her. But the title is a goal I guess. A hope that at some point my little girl's spirit and purpose will shine through us. I can only dream about that day, because my days now are just horrid and filled with such severe sadness... Today Evangeline would be one month old. I see so any babies who have those little month stickers or personalized onesies proudly exclaiming their age to the world. And I hate them. I don't get to do that. I should be able to do that. I can close my eyes and see her after one month of life. She'd be at least 10 pounds by now... I know she'd eat like a little piggy and then be the best little sleeper. I just want to pinch her pudgy little arms and legs. Her hair would be starting to curl. Those eyes that I never even got to would be able to focus on my face and we would just stare at each other for hours. She would be cooing and making sweet little noises. But let's face it I would give anything just for her to be screaming and crying. Starting to smile at us making silly faces at her. Beginning to hold her head up and rocking tummy time. Unfortunately I know entirely too much about developmental milestones in infancy and childhood so I can just picture what will never happen. She will never come back to us. My arms are empty, my heart throbs and I just want a do over. I want to scream.

Daily Musings

we didn't speak of her for her first 5 months of life. She was in there, growing and swimming around, but we ignored her. My head knows that we were doing what we had to do to survive, but I struggle with that now. As we both began feeling her move and getting to know her, it started to get more real... but we still called her a parasite. We couldn't attach enough to say the word baby. Every day was a victory. We were one day closer to having a real-life baby. Weeks passed. Milestones passed. Our nervousness eased. Our fear lessened. We still weren't excited, but we had hope. At 36 weeks, she was 7.5 pounds and all of the sudden we were finally excited. Truly excited. We had the first happy Christmas as a married couple. We still didn't own anything for her, or have a thing in her room, but we were excited. We were still declining all gifts and well wishes. Saying we needed to wait until she was alive. We would tell people that Amazon Prime would be able to get us everything we needed overnight. It would be fine. We had two weeks of more excitement than fear. And then the world stopped. Our hearts tore in pieces, but somehow they still beat. The silence in our home is deafening, which means the heartbeats sound even louder. If only I could have a do over. If I could go back in time and demand a c-section when she was still alive. If anyone had known they would have done that. If there was any inkling of distress we could have done that. But there was none of that. I had a picture perfect pregnancy... minus the daily fear. So many what ifs. It is a cruel and evil game. If I had known she was a girl I could have bought her so many lovely things. Instead I bought her nothing. She had nothing in her room except a shelf of hand-me downs they were never really hers. I will never buy Evangeline tutus and glittery shoes and clothes for the first day of school. I will never hear her sweet giggle or cuddle with her on the couch. But more than that, I wish that I could go back to that day and demand that we bring you into the world. I know, I know. That isn't what I wanted. Clinically I did everything I could do to have a natural and intervention-free birth. And we had no indications that anything was ever wrong. But I let you down my lovie, I wish I had known. I wish I hadn't let you die.