I went golfing today for the first time in 2 years. I was worried about how to be social and how to play because golf is so mentally exhausting. I also really wanted to see what this HaydensHero's charity was all about.
Waking up early I told you goodbye like I do every morning. IT was 540am, so I was a bit out if it but thought about you on my way to golf. The one thing I've been thinking about for past 2 weeks is that "I will never see you smile". I don't know where I heard it but it has resignation with me recently for some odd reason. I can't quit thinking about that bold truth.
Today I knew, I knew , I knew someone would ask me if I had kids the more I opened up. I held myself back for 4 hours today before it happen. Just randomly and so much of a bullshit smalltalk question one of the 2 men I was golfing with just asked me out of the blue. . . "So , Thomas, You have any children? "
I didn't hesitate and said "um Yes, I do. A daughter. She would be 5 1/2 months old today. She was born still." The reaction was fine. "Oh, I'm so sorry" . But that was it. 3 2 more hours with this guy and not another word. Did he not think that now all I can think about was you? Did he not think it was hard for me to be out in the world? Did he not even have a follow up question? Was he even sorry?
The answer to all this was No. This has happened before and will continue to happen. It drives me fucking crazy. I can't believe that someone would not have a response but now I do. The world is full of just bullshit. People doing, acting, working, eating shitty food, being ignorant, being rude, it's the world.
But it's the world I wish everyday you were breathing inot your pretty little body. I miss you so much Evangeline. My strength grows but also weakens. I don't know what else to do but yell you that I love you. I'm so sorry. Not these random people that say their sorry. I'm sorry. They don't know shit.
I love you Evangeline.
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