2 months- How am I alive?

2 months ago, January 11, 2016, the most beautiful baby in the whole universe was born to us. Wirh no heartbeat. The baby I have dreamed of for years.  The only baby I have ever wanted.  Even knowing how it turned out, I would do it all over just to spend another 9 months with you my sweet girl.

Evangeline, I have no idea how I have survived these past two months. It's March already? How is that possible? February was a blur. It seems like every day is a blur. I have nothing to look forward to except being able to cross off a day on the calendar. Hoping tomorrow will hurt less. That hasn't happened yet. I've been in a vortex of emotions and yet I seem to not be able to even remember anything in particular. This week was a hard one. We went out of town in hopes that a visit to a safe place would be filled with love and acceptance. And it wasn't. But I think of you every minute of every day. We got these beautiful bracelets made, and your Daddy and I have matching ones with a piece of your hair in them. So they are always with us and we feel you with us. I know you are always with us, but this is tangible.

Certainly I would prefer if you were giggling and cooing in my arms, but I can't have that, so I've got a bracelet. I feel very alone. I feel like people have forgotten about you, and forgotten how supremely sad and empty I am. I just want to talk about you and imagine all the things you would be doing... but instead I think about them. Not knowing who to talk to about you. I feel like everyone is busy with their own life and my sadness is just too unbearable for people. So we are sitting here in silence, missing you with our shattered hearts, watching crap on TV to pass the time. Nothing makes is better though little one, I think of you all the time.

I've heard a few stories recently from Mommies like me... Mommies that don't get to bring home their babies. But some of the Mommies don't even have the memories that I have with you. I have all these memories of what you looked like and your toes and your chubby little arms and your belly and your sweet chin. I inspected every inch of your body and laid you on my chest and imagined you breathing. I don't even remember Ebony and Benta taking pictures, but I am so very thankful to have them. I just stare at them sometimes, and it seems like every week I have a new favorite picture, which is really special. I don't get to take unlimited photos every day of you growing and changing. I have the photos that I have, and I will never have any more. But at least I have them. I just wish I could feel you again. Hold you and kiss you. Give you a snuggle. It is so hard, sweet girl. So hard to imagine continuing to live without you. Love you.