CPR

My CPR certification expired last night.  I had been putting it off since Evangeline died, but finally had to do it.

The joys of being a nurse.  I had to do half of it online, and when I got to the infant CPR section, I felt like I was going to throw up, but kept watching the videos and scenarios.  And then I had to do a skills verification portion to complete the certification.

As I looked for the classroom, I realized that it wasn't in the hospital, it was in the education building down the street.  The same education building where Thomas and I took a childbirth education class.  Seriously? I do not need to go back there.

But I did.  And of course, there was a childbirth class starting at the same time as I was walking in... Lots of pregnant and happy couples walked in to the building as the blood drained from my being.

I was crying by the time I got to the classroom.  I asked the teacher if there was any way I could just verbalize CPR for the infant and really didn't want to touch the infant manikin.  I explained to her that my daughter died 11 weeks and 4 days ago and we watched and listened to them perform CPR on her and it was a really difficult thing for me to do at this point.  She was a troll, and said absolutely not, and that I needed to do CPR skills on all manikins to receive my certification.  I was really crying at this point.  

This bitch had not an ounce of empathy.  I get it.  I am a nurse, and need to be able to do CPR in order to work.  And I would.  I have been certified for over 15 years and if ANYONE, adult, child or infant, dropped dead in front of me I know I would leap into action and do what needed to be done.  But right now, I want to puke.  I left sobbing and un-certified.  Part of it was the building and the physical space, but the other part of it is that I truly don't want to do CPR on an infant.  I just can't stop thinking about Evangeline.

I miss my little love so very much.  I am so very sad and have no idea how I will live this life forever.  

One step forward and ten steps back.  Every. Single. Day.

It is awful.  I want her to be alive.  And I want her death to not trigger pain in every single arena of my life.  Work. Relationships. Family.  Everything is affected by Evangeline's death.  

My little girl, I wish you were here with me.